poem by the river

by Hazel J. Hall

I don’t want to write about the river / that can’t smooth stones / nor the bird drawing he gave me / on Valentine’s Day /

I don’t want to write / about the poems I put down / the poems I ran out of words for / the poems I buried / in the river /

I don’t want to write about how my grandma / loved birds and how I / inherited her hobbies as a stone is thrown against clear water / how it skips for a while / then stillness /

I don’t want to write about the Valentine’s Day I looked into the river and it / looked into me /

I don’t want to remember the poem where I drowned / where something settled in my lungs / where I settled / for this life / 

No, I don’t want to write about my grandmother or / my family or / this inherited body – the gift I was given some Valentine’s Day / the “gift” I was given as if I were a crayon drawing / as if I am loved like a painting / as if I have not written poems on stones / skipping words like skipping stones / trying to make the edges come out smooth /

No / I don’t want to write about coming out / about my second life / about her as family because it just wasn’t meant to be, okay? She was a painting and I was a stone / a rejected Valentine's Day love poem / a drowning / a reaching for the bird / on the horizon line / 

 No / I do not want to write about these things / so instead I think I might sit here / by the river /

I will sit and / wait / for the stone / my grandmother said she would use / to beat me to my senses with / to finally   hit. / 

Hazel J. Hall is a writer and poet powered by caffeine and insulin. Right now, she is pursuing an English degree while working on her first novel. More of Hazel's work can be found in Bending Genres, Vocivia Magazine, and CLOVES Literary, with other pieces forthcoming or visible at her site, hazeljhall.com.

this poem was originally published in boats against the current issue II